My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Everyone says I win the strip club
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
