i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
