Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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