If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
