Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
