Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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