I didn't shave. On purpose
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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