my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
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