Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
