my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
