I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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