I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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