Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
