i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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