I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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