Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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