"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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