I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
Randomize
