I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
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I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
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And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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