I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
