oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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