Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
