Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
