You really coming over, don't trick.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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