Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
