when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Randomize
