summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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