I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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