woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
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