She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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