Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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