Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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