Swine flu. Run for my life!
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
