I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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