do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
