Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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