My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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