Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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