I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
