Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
