I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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