So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
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