my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
