Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
