We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Randomize
