Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
i think we sleep fucked last night...
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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