You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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