she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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