Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
