Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
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with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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