I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
