I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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