I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
You smell like stripper and shame
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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