oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
