Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
