My liver just broke up with me...
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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