just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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