tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Randomize
