Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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