Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
