Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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