It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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