I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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