I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
